Can't nothing hold me down: Dedication to a New Life

A few days after Christmas, I made a firm decision: 2011 will be the year I actually follow through on my annual promise to take hold of my life and lose the weight that has been restricting my happiness and well-being for far too many of the years that were supposed to be the "best of my life".

Of course, it's not like things are ever so easy as "I will do this, and so it will be done." I am one of those people who has always had a weight problem. Even as a baby/child, I was a chubby little thing.

Known widely as my "Christmas Ham" baby pic.

I was a rather... special... child, fashion choices notwithstanding.

It's really inevitable when you look at my family - we are, genetically, short and stocky little people. Everyone, from my grandparents down to my youngest brother, has some extra weight on them. It's easy to put on and ridiculously hard to take off, and I spent most of my childhood observing (and sometimes participating in) the struggles my mom and others went through trying to lose weight. Most of these struggles ended in failure, including mine, and I think at some point I got it into my head that losing weight is a futile effort not worth the wasted time and energy. 

I grew up thinking of myself as "the fat girl". The first time I can remember acknowledging my weight was second grade when my mother was struggling to find clothes in the girls' section at JC Penny that I could wear. I think I remember that moment so vividly because of how much shame I felt that my body was causing so much trouble. Up until then, I felt more-or-less normal. Maybe a little bigger than other girls my age, but not excessively so. I went swimming, wore shorts and dresses, ran around with my friends. But after that, I knew that my bigger body was a thing to be ashamed of. And, inevitably, it only got worse from there. 

Circa third grade (age 9 or 10)

Because I actually was overweight for my age and height, the poor self image I developed early on was only fostered by the teasing and bullying aimed at me by other kids who were "just being kids". I actively and unabashedly envied my beautiful skinny friends and classmates, wishing that I wasn't too fat to continue with the other girls at my dance studio into pointe ballet lessons or get asked to dance at the sixth grade dance. (Well, okay, let's be honest - very few girls got asked to dance at those things because the boys were still mostly concerned with our cooties. But still.) I never had boyfriends, I never felt pretty or self-assured, and of course that continually contributed to a Jocelyn that wished she was anyone but.

The most ironic part of this whole history, I realize now, is that by the time I reached 8th/9th grade my body was actually starting to even itself out. 

I thought that I was grotesquely fat when all of these pictures were taken. How ridiculous is that?

Not super skinny by any means, but with a little work I could have toned things up and had a quasi-normal high school experience. Unfortunately, depression had its way with me and I packed on almost 100 lb. or more between my sophomore and senior years. The more weight I gained, the worse I felt, and the more weight I gained on top of that. I stopped going out with friends, I stopped dating, I stopped doing pretty much anything. Looking back, the whole time period is one big fog of unhappiness and shame. Notice I've used that word twice now - shame is a powerful, often crippling emotion. Of course, the facts and reasons for my depression and overall negative experience with high school are plentiful, but I really don't want to get into all of that with this entry (or, perhaps, this blog). Let's just say, things were fucking complicated as hell (and aren't they always with teenagers?) and it's a damn good thing I got out of Ohio when I did. 

Senior prom (haaaaaate that dress D: )

College handed me the perfect opportunity to reshape myself, and I did... except not so much physically as emotionally. I don't really find this to be a bad thing, per se, because I needed the complete and total emotional and mental overhaul that the last four years gave me. I was a suicidal, insecure, teetering-on-the-verge mess when I started college, and I graduated a fairly well-adjusted, happy, thirsting-for-life person. It's funny, but I honestly can't even think of whatever I was before I came to Syracuse as a real person - she was just an empty shell. And if you check out this handy before/after picture, I think you'll see what I mean:

The differences are momentous: better hair, better glasses, real happiness, different person's hand creepin' on my shoulder.

Even though I went through some serious shit, including a major health scare directly linked to my weight, I still haven't taken the necessary steps toward making real changes. And that, my potentially non-existent readers, is a problem. As previously noted, I spent much of the holidays by myself which gave me a lot of time to really think about my life and where it's headed. And I guess I realized that it's pretty much just a now or never kind of thing. I've hit "bottom" numerous times, making tearful and dramatic vows to my journal-of-the-moment (I have a bit of a problem where I keep buying pretty journals, writing in them once or twice, then forgetting they exist :x) in the middle of the night that This Is It and starting tomorrow things will be different. Except, tomorrow never happens. I wake up and all of the reasons I was distraught the night before have been washed away by the healing powers of sleep, leaving me with none of the motivation I was bursting with the night before.

I can't even begin to recount how many times this has happened. And I'm sick of it. I've been sick of it for a long time, but I became so sick of it on December 30 that I walked my unshapely bum a few blocks over on my lunch and joined the YMCA. Because despite being a member of Weight Watchers online for the past year+ and eating more-or-less healthy, I've stayed at roughly the same depressing weight for the past 5 years. I haven't made any real effort to change my habits and get the exercise I know is necessary if I want to lose weight, and because of this I have maintained a dangerously unhealthy weight that has only brought me misery, heartache and a serious lack of inexpensive or fun fashion options. I haven't felt "hot" or "sexy" pretty much... ever. I hid behind my supposed devotion to being "straight edge" in college to avoid going to parties, not because I don't like parties (or alcohol) but because the idea of being in a social situation that puts me in the same vicinity with anyone remotely close to my age who I conceive as better looking than me (read: almost everyone) sends me into almost debilitating panic.

But enough is enough. I know I have issues to work out beyond the basics of exercise and nutrition, but I think that if I can get a stable hold on those two areas the rest will come with time and a far better self image. And I know that a better self image can only start if I respect myself. Right now, my self respect is fairly low - though recent initiative on my part has resulted in some serious brownie pointage - because I know how much and for how long I have let myself down. The past few weeks have tested the waters of my resolve, and so far I've only sort of disappointed (which is a major, major step).

I've been tracking all of my food and exercise with MyFitnessPal.com, which is a really excellent (and totally free) website with a thriving community. In fact, I think I'm just going to cancel my weight watchers account because I haven't been using it. Not sure about that, might stick with both for the time being so I have an extra resource. I have been trying to stick to a 1,500 calorie diet and limit my sugar intake. I actually had no idea how much sugar I was consuming every day until I began tracking with MFP - the amount was sickening, really. Though I am on average a fairly healthy eater, I still have major issues with portion control and a terribly annoying sweet tooth, so it's an every day learning experience.

Exercise is and always has been my biggest problem. I'm sedentary by nature, and as anyone who tends toward the couch/computer chair knows, it is HARD to get motivated. I've had several "Walk Away the Pounds" DVDs for a year now and barely used them. It's silly when I have all the time I need, but I always end up finding 1,000 other things I need/want to be doing. And that is where the Y comes in. I checked out a zumba class 3 weeks ago and fell in love immediately, so I've been going about 2x a week. I am also hoping to start a group lifting class and possibly yoga soon, in addition to working out on my own in the women's only fitness room they've got. I don't want to overdo anything, but I need to establish actual movement in my life, especially now that I don't even have the mile or two of walking per day that I had in college to lean on.

I've got some great people behind me in this, but I need more than that: I need accountability. Last week, my best friend Allison sent me a link to an article about 8 Amazing Blogger Weight Loss Transformations, and as I read through all of their stories I realized that I already have a blog and I'm really not doing anything constructive with it besides rambling occasionally about music I like (which I still plan on doing, don't fret). Ben, the only male blogger highlighted in the article, gives the advice that "No matter what life change you need to make, do it publicly." 

This resonates with me because I have always kept my struggles with weight loss secret and hidden, even from the people I am closest to. It's all about shame - shame that I've carried for too long, shame that I've let prevent me from doing anything about the reasons I feel shame in the first place. So, no more. I'm saying this to everyone as much as I am saying it to myself. I'll probably be making a lot more posts from now on, at least a couple of times a week relating to my progress. And I'm also going to hold myself accountable by posting monthly progress pictures... once I locate my camera's USB cord, the first of those will get posted. 

So, yeah. This post is the first of many that will be part of my journey to a stronger, healthier and happier me. I'll finish it out with my favourite song from zumba class, which requires pretty much no explanation. Until later!