I just made the first payments on two of my loans, $221 total. $221 of my precious dollars = a whopping 0.0043% of my loans paid off. And I'll have to make another payment at the end of this week to a third lender.
Can I go home now?
At the very least, I can consider myself fortunate to have convinced the fourth (and most formidable) lender to give me another 12 months of forbearance, but when you consider all of the interest that is going to accrue during that year it's really not as great as it sounds. *sigh* I am fortunate to have a college degree, but find myself wishing sincerely that it wasn't so expensive to get.
Also, I have a bit of a spending problem. I made a valiant attempt in August to create a budget and balance it, but then sort of stopped - the way I do with a lot of things (weight loss efforts, I'm lookin' at you). It was stupid to do because six months later, I realize that I've been completely and utterly OUT. OF. CONTROL. the past half year. I've saved absolutely nothing and bled myself dry financially numerous times. Aka, doing everything I swore to myself I would not do when I reached adulthood and maturity and all that other grown-up shit.
But, here I am, with practically nothing to show for six months of solid work. Except some nice clothes, great makeup, pretty jewelry, several awesome movies watched and a ton of food (good and not so good) consumed. But I can't live like that if I want to do practical things like, I dunno, save for impending disasters? I have enough clothes. I have enough jewelry. And god knows I need to stop spending money eating out or grabbing high-calorie coffee beverages. But it's so difficult to factor in the big picture when I'm on my lunch break in the middle of the week and it's cold and I have nowhere to go except this nice, invitingly warm coffee shop where everything smells so good...
Blah. I'm not necessarily terrible with money, I can save when I need to. But I have the same problems with money as I do with food - incapability to say no to my impulses. I know in the back of my head that getting chicken strips after I've had a coffee and Wendy's at the mall is not a good idea, especially when I haven't worked out in 4 days due to a combination of familial invasion and a touch-and-go immune system, but I ate them anyway. Because I wanted to. And the same thing goes for spending money - I know I don't need another pair of pearl earrings or two new books when I've got a thousand at home unread, but I wanted them.
It's time to grow up and separate need from want. If I can't learn to control my impulses and say no to my spoiled inner child, I will always be broke and unhealthy.
I am going to start off fresh with this new month, February. I've had a good time in January implementing workouts and healthy eating into my diet, but it hasn't been enough. It's time to fully commit, 100%, no holding back. And budgeting must go along with it, because can you guess what my most out-of-control spending went toward this past month? Food. Most of it on-the-go crap from places I know won't provide the nutrients and fulfillment I need each day. Just crap, crap, crap. And that simply won't do :)
I'm afraid tomorrow's scale reading won't be a good one, but I'm not going to freak out or get upset. I'm just going to get back on the horse, like I did last week and prevail.
PS: See The King's Speech if you get a chance - it's marvelous!
I came home yesterday utterly defeated, feeling like a complete failure and wrote an incredibly long and angsty post. I was prepared to hit publish, when I got distracted by the soup I've been wanting to cook for the past week and forgot all about it. The angst post will probably be revamped into something less rambly for the future, but this post will be about the wonderful soup that prevented me from whinging all over the blogosphere last night.
One of my unwritten "new year's resolutions" is to try a new food or recipe every week. Last week's unofficial food was radishes, which I've never eaten before but found to be delightful after a couple sneaked into my salad. I will likely come back to radishes in the future, once I locate a couple of recipes to try with them. Anyhow, as I mentioned in my previous entry, I am getting back on the horse when it comes to cooking and this soup was another push in the right direction. When I saw the recipe highlighted on the WW recipe section, I knew it was meant to be: I love corn, I love tomatoes, I love soup. Heaven.
South African Corn and Tomato Soup
1 Tbsp unsalted butter
1 cup(s) onion(s), chopped
2 tsp kosher salt, divided
2 large tomato(es), beefsteak, ripe, cored, coarsely chopped
3 cup(s) frozen corn kernels, or fresh corn kernels from 4 cobs
14 3/4 oz canned cream-style white corn
12 oz fat-free evaporated milk
3 cup(s) canned chicken broth
1/2 cup(s) basil, fresh
Step-by-Step Instructions (Thanks, Allison, for reminding me!)
In a large saucepan over medium-low heat, melt the butter. Add the onions and 1 teaspoon salt; cook, stirring frequently, until the onions are extremely soft (about 8-10 minutes)
Stir in the tomatoes (and any other veggies); cook for 5 minutes more*
Add both types of corn, milk, broth, remaining teaspoon salt and pepper; simmer for 15 minutes so the flavors can combine
Separate into 1-1/4 cup servings and top each with about 1 tablespoon basil
*Note: If you're gonna use veggies that take longer to cook, add them earlier than the tomatoes to accommodate
The ingredients are all pretty easy to find, though I couldn't for the life of me locate cream-style white corn - so I settled for cream-style sweet corn. That mixed with frozen sweet corn made the soup a bit on the sweet side, so if you want more savory go with a non-sweet frozen brand. The best thing about soups is how adaptable they are, and looking at this recipe I thought it needed a little extra oompf, so I added:
1 tsp chipotle chili powder
1 tsp dried sweet basil
1 cup white mushrooms, broken up
Very little prep is required, which is a bonus if you're in a crunch for time. I sliced off my tablespoon of butter from the stick then put it back in the fridge until I was ready, then set to chopping the tomatoes. I'm pretty terrible at chopping/slicing/etc., so this was a fairly brutal massacre that I'm thankful nobody but the cat witnessed. I think our knives need to be sharpened, which probably factored into why I had so much trouble. But, I succeeded and soon had a bowl-o-tomato bits to do with as I pleased.
Mmm, slaughtered. Just the way I like 'em.
Now, if you're not a filthy cheater like me and don't buy a bag of pre-chopped onions from the Wegmans fresh foods section, you'll also have to chop up 1 cup of onions. I'm guessing that'd be about half an onion's worth, but I'm not really sure so... do half and then see where you're at? After that, all that's really left is making cute little ribbons out of the basil.
It sounds potentially difficult and time-consuming, but really isn't! I watched a little demo video on WW, but you get the benefit of my instructions - with a handy chart!
(Why, yes, I will take any flimsy excuse possible to mess around in photoshop.)
Stack about 10 basil leaves on top of one another. Since this'll be used mainly for edible decoration, it's up to you how much basil you want to use. I only used about 7 leaves because I was the only one going to be eating. You can get basil leaves prepackaged, I believe, but we just buy a basil plant and keep it healthy as long as possible - it's really cheaper that way.
Roll the stack tightly. Kinda like you would a blunt, I jokingly told my coworker this morning. (I'm being quite honest when I say I wouldn't know from experience.)
Hold the roll tightly with one hand and use your knife to slice crosswise. Pretty much like you would slice a baguette. I suggest starting at the end where the stems are so you can cut them off first.
Loosen the ribbons with your fingers. Ta-da! That was super easy, wasn't it? And look, how pretty they are :)
So, once you've finished the aforementioned prep and have your measurements ready, you'll want to stick a (large) medium-sized saucepan on the stove and turn the heat on medium-low. Definitely err towards a larger pan, btw - I chose the second largest we had and just barely had room for everything. You might want to just go for a pot and save yourself the worry. Let that heat up for a touch, then toss your 1 tablespoon of butter in and melt it.
Once the butter is melted, toss in your cup of chopped onions and 1 teaspoon of kosher salt. Mix everything together and cook until the onions soften. The recipe suggests 10 minutes, but mine were definitely soft by about 8, so just keep an eye on them.When the onions are softened, add your tomatoes and cook for another 5 minutes or so. If you've got other vegetables to add, depending on what they are you can decide when to throw them in during this process. Since mushrooms don't need a lot of cooking time, I threw them in about 3 minutes after the tomatoes.
When your veggies are done, combine the remaining ingredients except for the basil ribbons and mix it all together. I suppose it doesn't really matter on the order, but I did both corn types first, then the milk, chicken stock and finished with the remaining 1 tsp kosher salt and spices. If you're going to add your own spices, I highly suggest spooning some of the broth into a cup and testing on that first. I was pretty sure the chili powder would go over well because we cook with it a lot, but it's easy to screw something up by adding a weird spice (I speak from unfortunate experience).
I meant to take another picture, but forgot. I promise I stirred this mess.
Once you've got everything in, let that simmer for about 15 minutes (you might need more, took mine a while to simmer). This recipe yields about 8 servings of 1-1/4 cups soup, and you can top each serving with a sprinkling of basil ribbons for a tasty finish.
It's a bit high on the sugar and sodium, but that could probably be altered if you went with a lower-sodium broth and used less sweet corn than I did. Still, not bad at all for a soup that is quite filling and would work well for all seasons. I'm definitely going to make it again, and I think next time I'll play with it some more and maybe add chicken or shrimp. Let me know if you try it!
So, to wrap this entry up, I've struggled a bit this week. I didn't go to zumba yesterday because I wasn't feeling well and felt like a complete loser because of it. Not healthy thinking, I know, but I just felt like I had let myself down. I love the Tuesday class so much, and it felt wrong not to push myself through it. But I picked myself back up today and not only ate well, but went to the gym after work and got a really nice bit of cardio done. And I'm heading to tomorrow's zumba class to make up for missing the one last night.
All in all, today was a success that made up for yesterday's suck and that's really the best I can hope for. Now, to indulge in some trashy TV before bed! My mother is visiting tomorrow, which should be a hell of a time.
Goooood morning! It's Monday, hurray? I actually kind of enjoy Mondays because I like the feeling of a fresh new start that the beginning of a week brings. Most Mondays, I wake up refreshed and ready to go, unlike other days later in the week when the slump from getting up early and going allll dayyyy long several days in a row hits me.
Mondays are my official weekly weigh-in. I was doing Sundays, but I never wake up at the same time on the weekends so I figured a day where I know I'll be doing it roughly the same time every week was a better choice. So, Monday. This week was slightly disappointing... up .4 lb. to 285.6 (eik... posting numbers!) Not much, I know, but I'd rather see down by .4 than up. Still, I had a good week and I know what my weak points were (lack of planning on the weekend).
I've decided to make a rule for myself that I try at least one new recipe or food each week. I've been getting by on microwavables and pre-prepared foods, which is silly when I do know how to cook and should be honing my skills and really learning about portions and ingredients firsthand. I tend to not want to cook because I grew up afraid of cooking, but when I do actually try the results are (usually) pretty good. Like this morning, when I decided to try my hand at making an omelet for breakfast.
This wasn't my first time making one, but it has been over a year. Last night we went to the store and I bought all sorts of new produce, including a package of mixed mushrooms (shitake, portabello and white). I decided to use them, then realized I also had spinach and feta cheese and realized I could, in fact, make something totally delicious out of all three. My recipe was:
1 oz. crumbled feta cheese 1/2 cup shitake, white and portabello mushrooms, broken up 1/4 cup(ish) fresh spinach leaves 1/4 cup sliced red onion a sprinkling of garlic powder a dash of pepper 1 egg, 2 egg whites
I cooked the veggies a bit in the pan with some vegetable oil before scooping them out and pouring in the egg mixture. After the eggs had firmed up a bit, I sprinkled in the garlic powder and pepper, then layered the crumbled feta on one side. I let the feta get nice and gooey, then put the veggies on top.
Flipping the omelet is always the most nerve-wracking part for me, but this time I really had no problems. Terrell likes to do the double-fold so it looks like a wrap, but I'm fine with the half-flip. I think it looks nice :) I flipped it in half and let that cook a bit so everything was melded, then flipped it over for a few seconds' cooking on the other side. Then I tossed the omelet onto a plate and ta-da! Delicious, delicious spinach, mushroom & feta omelet for breakfast. Fantastic start to a Monday, indeed!
A few days after Christmas, I made a firm decision: 2011 will be the year I actually follow through on my annual promise to take hold of my life and lose the weight that has been restricting my happiness and well-being for far too many of the years that were supposed to be the "best of my life".
Of course, it's not like things are ever so easy as "I will do this, and so it will be done." I am one of those people who has always had a weight problem. Even as a baby/child, I was a chubby little thing.
Known widely as my "Christmas Ham" baby pic.
I was a rather... special... child, fashion choices notwithstanding.
It's really inevitable when you look at my family - we are, genetically, short and stocky little people. Everyone, from my grandparents down to my youngest brother, has some extra weight on them. It's easy to put on and ridiculously hard to take off, and I spent most of my childhood observing (and sometimes participating in) the struggles my mom and others went through trying to lose weight. Most of these struggles ended in failure, including mine, and I think at some point I got it into my head that losing weight is a futile effort not worth the wasted time and energy.
I grew up thinking of myself as "the fat girl". The first time I can remember acknowledging my weight was second grade when my mother was struggling to find clothes in the girls' section at JC Penny that I could wear. I think I remember that moment so vividly because of how much shame I felt that my body was causing so much trouble. Up until then, I felt more-or-less normal. Maybe a little bigger than other girls my age, but not excessively so. I went swimming, wore shorts and dresses, ran around with my friends. But after that, I knew that my bigger body was a thing to be ashamed of. And, inevitably, it only got worse from there.
Circa third grade (age 9 or 10)
Because I actually was overweight for my age and height, the poor self image I developed early on was only fostered by the teasing and bullying aimed at me by other kids who were "just being kids". I actively and unabashedly envied my beautiful skinny friends and classmates, wishing that I wasn't too fat to continue with the other girls at my dance studio into pointe ballet lessons or get asked to dance at the sixth grade dance. (Well, okay, let's be honest - very few girls got asked to dance at those things because the boys were still mostly concerned with our cooties. But still.) I never had boyfriends, I never felt pretty or self-assured, and of course that continually contributed to a Jocelyn that wished she was anyone but.
The most ironic part of this whole history, I realize now, is that by the time I reached 8th/9th grade my body was actually starting to even itself out.
I thought that I was grotesquely fat when all of these pictures were taken. How ridiculous is that?
Not super skinny by any means, but with a little work I could have toned things up and had a quasi-normal high school experience. Unfortunately, depression had its way with me and I packed on almost 100 lb. or more between my sophomore and senior years. The more weight I gained, the worse I felt, and the more weight I gained on top of that. I stopped going out with friends, I stopped dating, I stopped doing pretty much anything. Looking back, the whole time period is one big fog of unhappiness and shame. Notice I've used that word twice now - shame is a powerful, often crippling emotion. Of course, the facts and reasons for my depression and overall negative experience with high school are plentiful, but I really don't want to get into all of that with this entry (or, perhaps, this blog). Let's just say, things were fucking complicated as hell (and aren't they always with teenagers?) and it's a damn good thing I got out of Ohio when I did.
Senior prom (haaaaaate that dress D: )
College handed me the perfect opportunity to reshape myself, and I did... except not so much physically as emotionally. I don't really find this to be a bad thing, per se, because I needed the complete and total emotional and mental overhaul that the last four years gave me. I was a suicidal, insecure, teetering-on-the-verge mess when I started college, and I graduated a fairly well-adjusted, happy, thirsting-for-life person. It's funny, but I honestly can't even think of whatever I was before I came to Syracuse as a real person - she was just an empty shell. And if you check out this handy before/after picture, I think you'll see what I mean:
The differences are momentous: better hair, better glasses, real happiness, different person's hand creepin' on my shoulder.
Even though I went through some serious shit, including a major health scare directly linked to my weight, I still haven't taken the necessary steps toward making real changes. And that, my potentially non-existent readers, is a problem. As previously noted, I spent much of the holidays by myself which gave me a lot of time to really think about my life and where it's headed. And I guess I realized that it's pretty much just a now or never kind of thing. I've hit "bottom" numerous times, making tearful and dramatic vows to my journal-of-the-moment (I have a bit of a problem where I keep buying pretty journals, writing in them once or twice, then forgetting they exist :x) in the middle of the night that This Is It and starting tomorrow things will be different. Except, tomorrow never happens. I wake up and all of the reasons I was distraught the night before have been washed away by the healing powers of sleep, leaving me with none of the motivation I was bursting with the night before.
I can't even begin to recount how many times this has happened. And I'm sick of it. I've been sick of it for a long time, but I became so sick of it on December 30 that I walked my unshapely bum a few blocks over on my lunch and joined the YMCA. Because despite being a member of Weight Watchers online for the past year+ and eating more-or-less healthy, I've stayed at roughly the same depressing weight for the past 5 years. I haven't made any real effort to change my habits and get the exercise I know is necessary if I want to lose weight, and because of this I have maintained a dangerously unhealthy weight that has only brought me misery, heartache and a serious lack of inexpensive or fun fashion options. I haven't felt "hot" or "sexy" pretty much... ever. I hid behind my supposed devotion to being "straight edge" in college to avoid going to parties, not because I don't like parties (or alcohol) but because the idea of being in a social situation that puts me in the same vicinity with anyone remotely close to my age who I conceive as better looking than me (read: almost everyone) sends me into almost debilitating panic.
But enough is enough. I know I have issues to work out beyond the basics of exercise and nutrition, but I think that if I can get a stable hold on those two areas the rest will come with time and a far better self image. And I know that a better self image can only start if I respect myself. Right now, my self respect is fairly low - though recent initiative on my part has resulted in some serious brownie pointage - because I know how much and for how long I have let myself down. The past few weeks have tested the waters of my resolve, and so far I've only sort of disappointed (which is a major, major step).
I've been tracking all of my food and exercise with MyFitnessPal.com, which is a really excellent (and totally free) website with a thriving community. In fact, I think I'm just going to cancel my weight watchers account because I haven't been using it. Not sure about that, might stick with both for the time being so I have an extra resource. I have been trying to stick to a 1,500 calorie diet and limit my sugar intake. I actually had no idea how much sugar I was consuming every day until I began tracking with MFP - the amount was sickening, really. Though I am on average a fairly healthy eater, I still have major issues with portion control and a terribly annoying sweet tooth, so it's an every day learning experience.
Exercise is and always has been my biggest problem. I'm sedentary by nature, and as anyone who tends toward the couch/computer chair knows, it is HARD to get motivated. I've had several "Walk Away the Pounds" DVDs for a year now and barely used them. It's silly when I have all the time I need, but I always end up finding 1,000 other things I need/want to be doing. And that is where the Y comes in. I checked out a zumba class 3 weeks ago and fell in love immediately, so I've been going about 2x a week. I am also hoping to start a group lifting class and possibly yoga soon, in addition to working out on my own in the women's only fitness room they've got. I don't want to overdo anything, but I need to establish actual movement in my life, especially now that I don't even have the mile or two of walking per day that I had in college to lean on.
I've got some great people behind me in this, but I need more than that: I need accountability. Last week, my best friend Allison sent me a link to an article about 8 Amazing Blogger Weight Loss Transformations, and as I read through all of their stories I realized that I already have a blog and I'm really not doing anything constructive with it besides rambling occasionally about music I like (which I still plan on doing, don't fret). Ben, the only male blogger highlighted in the article, gives the advice that "No matter what life change you need to make, do it publicly."
This resonates with me because I have always kept my struggles with weight loss secret and hidden, even from the people I am closest to. It's all about shame - shame that I've carried for too long, shame that I've let prevent me from doing anything about the reasons I feel shame in the first place. So, no more. I'm saying this to everyone as much as I am saying it to myself. I'll probably be making a lot more posts from now on, at least a couple of times a week relating to my progress. And I'm also going to hold myself accountable by posting monthly progress pictures... once I locate my camera's USB cord, the first of those will get posted.
So, yeah. This post is the first of many that will be part of my journey to a stronger, healthier and happier me. I'll finish it out with my favourite song from zumba class, which requires pretty much no explanation. Until later!
I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of beesI never married, but Ohio don't remember me I still owe money to the money to the money I owe I never thought about love when I thought about home The floors are falling out from everybody I know
─The National
Continuing my obsession with The National, I'm going to start this by casually dropping off the latest song that's wormed its way into my ear and refused to budge.
Bit of a strange video, but it's always the lyrics that draw me into pretty much every song I fall in love with. With the holidays and everything going on over the past month, I've found myself thinking about Ohio quite a lot. On the best of days, my feelings about Ohio range from a vague affection to a mocking dislike, on the worst.... well, let's just say the word choices are rarely what anyone could call "nice".
I left Ohio for good in August 2006, and it was one of the happiest days of my life. Sure, I've returned a number of times for visits over the past few years, some extended and some frighteningly brief. But I go with the intention of leaving. I have a habit, still, of calling Ohio home because I'm still in college mode half the time, but it really isn't and (most importantly) I don't want it to be. Regardless, people that I love live there and that binds me to it. I can sometimes almost physically feel the connections tethering me to the land - as if a few strong yanks might be all it takes to pull me back, willingness be damned.
And that is certainly a fear I entertain from time to time. Having to return to the place where I unloaded all of the bitterness, sadness, frustrations and fears of my youth so I could move on and be happy in another place... how could I even begin to deal with that? And it's all purely selfish, but I think in this case selfishness is necessary. Selfishness is what got me out of there in the first place, and that's something I could not and would not ever apologize for. I think, perhaps, what I fear most is all those people who continually spout the adage that everyone always comes back will be right.
Even if it's a highly implausible notion, fears aren't usually logical or rational, and that's certainly one of my deepest - right there next to becoming my mother (and who isn't afraid of THAT?).
Oh god. I completely had a different intention for this post than to whine about how much I despise my home state. And, of course, any of those plans have been totally wiped from my memory. Maybe it's all the snow... C'est la vie! This is likely not getting a facebook repost...
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This blog is about me - my musical discoveries, my efforts to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle, my wedding plans, my adventures and mishaps as I navigate the world. Sometimes it'll be boring, sometimes it'll be sad, sometimes I hope it'll be hilarious. Stick around for recipes, photographs, lists, musings, music and ramblings a-plenty.
This blog is about me - my musical discoveries, my efforts to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle, my wedding plans, my adventures and mishaps as I navigate the world. Sometimes it'll be boring, sometimes it'll be sad, sometimes I hope it'll be hilarious. Stick around for recipes, photographs, lists, musings, music and ramblings a-plenty.
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