Hi, my name is Jocelyn and I am an addict.

So, I've developed a kind of... problem lately. It really isn't so much a problem as a habit that has the potential to develop into a problem down the road. I have become rather addicted to buying stuff online. Blast paypal and their simplification of the whole process. Sephora and Etsy are the biggest culprits. For some reason, I feel guilty at the idea of buying anything electronic/media-related, but my knees go weak at the mere sight of a costmetics/jewelry sale. I suppose it's because I can justify the money spent--I really, really do need to replace pretty much my entire makeup/jewelry collection.

Everything that I own, aside from a few recently-purchased items, is leftover from high school or middle school. And at 22, I just do not have the same taste that I did at 14 (thankfully); not to mention that most of it is cheap crap from Claire's that turns my neck green. None of the makeup aside from some lip gloss and maybe an eyeshadow palette or two is that old because, well, ew. But I've come to the conclusion/discovery that most of the makeup that I've been using for the past few years just is not cooperating with my skin. My trusted Covergirl mascara is causing horrible redness/swelling around my eyes if worn for an entire day (and it's only a month old) and everytime I use my practically brand new foundation my skin breaks out. I stopped wearing makeup for a good four years, and in that time my skin changed a LOT.

Now that I'm getting ready to work full time and want to use it again, I find myself needing to start pretty much from scratch. And I really think my best bet is to go the slightly more expensive route and try mineral/organic makeup that is designed for people with sensitive skin. I'm already loving the difference between the crappy Claire's eyeshadow I've used since infancy and my new Sephora colourbox. I never knew makeup could feel so wonderful. And I felt wonderful yesterday, which was a huge plus for my job interview.

And that's where this whole thing comes down to. I am working really hard right now to regain my confidence and become healthier and happier. I don't want to be a new person because I love the person I already am. But at my current state, I don't feel like a grown up or the successful woman I know that I can be. I want to refresh all of me, not just certain parts. Working out, eating healthy, and learning how to do all of the things I've always wanted to but thought I couldn't: that is what my life is about right now.

I've done the personal growth, the work on the inside, and now it's time to really focus on my outside because let's face it, that's something I've neglected for a LONG time. I can't keep making excuses because there aren't any.

So despite the damage that I've done lately to my bank account, I think in the end it's goign to be so worth it. I just need to work even harder on landing that full-time job I've been searching for so I can continue to support this new habit (and work on a few self-control techniques to prevent it from truly becoming an addiction).

Speaking of jobs, I had my first interview yesterday with Target reps for a store executive team leader. It went well, I think, for how unprepared I was. I'm not sure if I will get an offer, but then again I'm not really sure if I am the type of person cut out for being an assistant store manager (which is basically what 'executive team leader' means). I have other jobs more closely-related to my skill sets that I'm preparing applications for. Hopefully I can score further interviews and secure at least one of them.

I wish I could continue working where I am right now, but I just don't think they're looking to hire anyone full-time. Pity, because I love it there. Ah well. C'est la view... at least I have this to look forward to in the mail 3-5 business days from now:

Item# Qty Price Amt Description
1173111 1 $8.00 $8.00 SEPHORA COLLECTION/SEPHORA PURE Mascara/Panther Black
942086 1 $18.00 $18.00 Smashbox/Photo Op Under Eye Brightener/0.24 oz
1136878 1 $0.00 $0.00 Sample/Bare Escentuals RareMinerals Purely Nourishing Facial Moisturizer - 0.3 oz
1155803 1 $0.00 $0.00 Sample/Bliss FatGirlScrub - 0.5 oz
1203850 1 $0.00 $0.00 Sample/Kat Von D Sinner Eau de Parfum - 0.05 oz
1073063 1 $18.00 $18.00 Bare Escentuals/bareMinerals Multi-Tasking Face/0.08 oz Bisque SPF 20
1176551 1 $6.00 $6.00 SEPHORA COLLECTION/SEPHORA PURE Lipgloss/Peach Blossom
1243575 1 $0.00 $0.00 Smashbox/Photo Finish Targeted Pore & Line Primer Lab Sample/Photo Finish Targeted Pore & Line Primer

:D

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I wish I had lazer eyes...

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Last night I made a meal of linguini (hand-made dough, pasta rolled and cut in a fancy machine then laid out to dry before cooking!), steamed shrimp, julienned green and yellow squash, and a roasted red pepper sauce that included chili powder, honey, cumin, garlic and shallots. It was INCREDIBLE. I love, love, love this cooking class.

But it's turning me rather... domestic. I suddenly find myself subscribing to design blogs and salivating over expensive kitchen ware. My dreams contain matching curtains alongside the usual bouncing giraffes and evil henchmen. Am I becoming a grown-up? D:

Busy, busy, busy. I'm actually getting started for real with the job hunt. Today I will venture to the career center on campus with my resume to see if they can help me fix it. Then the applications will start, hopefully with some positive result. I just can't imagine that I won't find anything. I might not have super awesome business skillz, but I do have some and hey, if I'm going to be $50k in debt I think I deserve to spend my post-graduation days doing things that do not involve making french fries or trying to explain why soiled underwear cannot be returned.

At this point, I'd just love to be able to afford stuff. It would be super cool to get a new ipod that has more storage capacity (18gb of music does not fit into a 4gb music device, sadly) and maybe some new clothes and such. Or go somewhere! I like going place, it's fun. It would be so nice to be able to buy a ticket and fly to Tennessee to visit my best friend and her husband. I want to do that next month, but it's just not going to happen because I can't afford it.

So long as I don't have any children in the next decade, things should be all right money-wise. Once I start working full time (: But first I have to finish college.

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Post-midnight rustling through my personal historical archives

Possibly my favourite thing about listening to the entirety of an artist's music is piecing together the storyline of his/her life. I've been listening to a lot of Jack's Mannequin/Something Corporate lately and find myself fascinated with how Andrew McMahon fits his experiences and feelings and life history so gorgeously together to blend with his music (which is also exquisite... then again, I've always had a thing for piano rock, so I'm rather biased here). It makes me wish that I could get my poetry to feel less clumsy, less meaningless. I haven't written anything in over a year, but that's mostly for fear of it still being exactly the same as before. I know that I just need to swallow the fear and write, but something stops me everytime I open the notebook that I bought specifically for that purpose.

And it used to just pour out of me, words and lines flowing from my every breath. I have an entire binder full of scribbled emotions tucked away at the bottom of a bookshelf. Forgotten. Hidden. But why? Well, much of it is pretty damn terrible. Me at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen... well, let's just say there was a LOT of anger and angst there.

Maybe that's the problem. I don't have all that anger and loneliness and desperation simmering below the surface, demanding some sort of outlet to make its escape. I wouldn't trade the happiness and peace that I've come to possess now for any of that, but I wish I didn't feel like this person whose words I'm reading is a stranger rather than an earlier version of my current self. She's so lost, but has this spark that I worry present me no longer possesses.

Hmm. It's 1:30 and I've got a fitness class in the morning. Sleep is probably a better idea than sitting here sifting through my history. But before I end this, I want to answer a question past!Jocelyn asked nearly a decade ago.

I feel like sleeping forever, running away. And I would. I would leave this second if I could. Would leaving make it better? Would a new place fix me? Or would I be just as miserable in some other world than here?

If I could talk to the girl who wrote that, I'd tell her that the answer is yes. A new place, a new world did fix me. Or, in actuality, it helped me fix myself. It took a long time to get where I am, and I always remind myself that even when things feel unbearably bad that nothing can hold a candle to what I've already been through.

"I've got friends who will help me pull through."

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Now playing: Jack's Mannequin - La la Lie
via FoxyTunes

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