Just listen: something is calling you
It's been one hell of a week. I have endured so many emotions lately that I'm not really sure what I feel anymore. A week ago today, my heart was broken--shredded. As much as everything that happened last week hurt, something inside of me was relieved. I was so ready for it to end and something new to start, no matter how terrifying that was. But now? It's like nothing happened. But I know it did, even if we don't talk about it. And I am getting my way, now, but is it what I really need?
That is what's got me staring off into space the past couple of days. That is what has me hesitating. I don't want to let anyone down, especially myself. And if I do this, if I sign on for another year, I will be stuck. And I will disappoint people. And I don't know what to do because my heart is split in half and one part wants to go and the other wants to stay. My head has, of course, completely vanished (like it always does in situations like this). I don't know what's the most logical. I just know that there's a battle being waged inside of me and I'd rather both sides come to a mutual conclusion than see one win over the other.
Last night I filed for my diploma. Graduation is that much more real now. I am so unready it isn't even funny. And I suppose that the part of me that wants to stay here is the part that is scared of moving on, of being an adult. If I stay where I've been for four years, does anything really change? I won't have classes to go to, but I won't have left. And I really don't want to leave. This is my home, I love this place. Why would I want to go?
But on the other hand, the unknown is calling me. It's seductive, the idea that there could be something more, somewhere else. Someone else. Maybe more than one someone else. But is that what I need? Is it what I truly want? Or am I just bored and discontented and trying to trick myself into believing that the grass is so much greener where I can't see it?
So many questions and absolutely no answers. Story of my life, really. I haven't cried in two days, which is a relief. My eyes were threatening to abandon ship. Classes are good, my friends are amazing. I don't know what I'd do without them right now. I am trying to appreciate everyone at once, as much as possible. Who am I even writing this to? I can't imagine anyone reads my blog, but I keep writing. Maybe I'm just writing this to myself; for myself. Maybe I just need someone to talk to and have settled for myself. Because I will go back and read this later on, and future me will smile at how lost and confused present me is and pat her on the back and whisper, "There, there."
I don't have to leave for class until 2.5 hours from now but I am so antsy that I think I might go to campus early just to have somewhere to go. I've been feeling so jittery lately, needing to be places and go places and not be at home. I'm doing so many new things this semester and it feels great. Tonight I have my culinary arts class and we're going to work with chicken and I am so excited despite my semi-terror. Heh, I almost typed children there. Mmm, boiled babies!
I just need to keep breathing and working on improving myself. The answers will come in time if I just let them.
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Now playing: Norah Jones - Something is Calling You
via FoxyTunes
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