Can't nothing hold me down: Dedication to a New Life

A few days after Christmas, I made a firm decision: 2011 will be the year I actually follow through on my annual promise to take hold of my life and lose the weight that has been restricting my happiness and well-being for far too many of the years that were supposed to be the "best of my life".

Of course, it's not like things are ever so easy as "I will do this, and so it will be done." I am one of those people who has always had a weight problem. Even as a baby/child, I was a chubby little thing.

Known widely as my "Christmas Ham" baby pic.

I was a rather... special... child, fashion choices notwithstanding.

It's really inevitable when you look at my family - we are, genetically, short and stocky little people. Everyone, from my grandparents down to my youngest brother, has some extra weight on them. It's easy to put on and ridiculously hard to take off, and I spent most of my childhood observing (and sometimes participating in) the struggles my mom and others went through trying to lose weight. Most of these struggles ended in failure, including mine, and I think at some point I got it into my head that losing weight is a futile effort not worth the wasted time and energy. 

I grew up thinking of myself as "the fat girl". The first time I can remember acknowledging my weight was second grade when my mother was struggling to find clothes in the girls' section at JC Penny that I could wear. I think I remember that moment so vividly because of how much shame I felt that my body was causing so much trouble. Up until then, I felt more-or-less normal. Maybe a little bigger than other girls my age, but not excessively so. I went swimming, wore shorts and dresses, ran around with my friends. But after that, I knew that my bigger body was a thing to be ashamed of. And, inevitably, it only got worse from there. 

Circa third grade (age 9 or 10)

Because I actually was overweight for my age and height, the poor self image I developed early on was only fostered by the teasing and bullying aimed at me by other kids who were "just being kids". I actively and unabashedly envied my beautiful skinny friends and classmates, wishing that I wasn't too fat to continue with the other girls at my dance studio into pointe ballet lessons or get asked to dance at the sixth grade dance. (Well, okay, let's be honest - very few girls got asked to dance at those things because the boys were still mostly concerned with our cooties. But still.) I never had boyfriends, I never felt pretty or self-assured, and of course that continually contributed to a Jocelyn that wished she was anyone but.

The most ironic part of this whole history, I realize now, is that by the time I reached 8th/9th grade my body was actually starting to even itself out. 

I thought that I was grotesquely fat when all of these pictures were taken. How ridiculous is that?

Not super skinny by any means, but with a little work I could have toned things up and had a quasi-normal high school experience. Unfortunately, depression had its way with me and I packed on almost 100 lb. or more between my sophomore and senior years. The more weight I gained, the worse I felt, and the more weight I gained on top of that. I stopped going out with friends, I stopped dating, I stopped doing pretty much anything. Looking back, the whole time period is one big fog of unhappiness and shame. Notice I've used that word twice now - shame is a powerful, often crippling emotion. Of course, the facts and reasons for my depression and overall negative experience with high school are plentiful, but I really don't want to get into all of that with this entry (or, perhaps, this blog). Let's just say, things were fucking complicated as hell (and aren't they always with teenagers?) and it's a damn good thing I got out of Ohio when I did. 

Senior prom (haaaaaate that dress D: )

College handed me the perfect opportunity to reshape myself, and I did... except not so much physically as emotionally. I don't really find this to be a bad thing, per se, because I needed the complete and total emotional and mental overhaul that the last four years gave me. I was a suicidal, insecure, teetering-on-the-verge mess when I started college, and I graduated a fairly well-adjusted, happy, thirsting-for-life person. It's funny, but I honestly can't even think of whatever I was before I came to Syracuse as a real person - she was just an empty shell. And if you check out this handy before/after picture, I think you'll see what I mean:

The differences are momentous: better hair, better glasses, real happiness, different person's hand creepin' on my shoulder.

Even though I went through some serious shit, including a major health scare directly linked to my weight, I still haven't taken the necessary steps toward making real changes. And that, my potentially non-existent readers, is a problem. As previously noted, I spent much of the holidays by myself which gave me a lot of time to really think about my life and where it's headed. And I guess I realized that it's pretty much just a now or never kind of thing. I've hit "bottom" numerous times, making tearful and dramatic vows to my journal-of-the-moment (I have a bit of a problem where I keep buying pretty journals, writing in them once or twice, then forgetting they exist :x) in the middle of the night that This Is It and starting tomorrow things will be different. Except, tomorrow never happens. I wake up and all of the reasons I was distraught the night before have been washed away by the healing powers of sleep, leaving me with none of the motivation I was bursting with the night before.

I can't even begin to recount how many times this has happened. And I'm sick of it. I've been sick of it for a long time, but I became so sick of it on December 30 that I walked my unshapely bum a few blocks over on my lunch and joined the YMCA. Because despite being a member of Weight Watchers online for the past year+ and eating more-or-less healthy, I've stayed at roughly the same depressing weight for the past 5 years. I haven't made any real effort to change my habits and get the exercise I know is necessary if I want to lose weight, and because of this I have maintained a dangerously unhealthy weight that has only brought me misery, heartache and a serious lack of inexpensive or fun fashion options. I haven't felt "hot" or "sexy" pretty much... ever. I hid behind my supposed devotion to being "straight edge" in college to avoid going to parties, not because I don't like parties (or alcohol) but because the idea of being in a social situation that puts me in the same vicinity with anyone remotely close to my age who I conceive as better looking than me (read: almost everyone) sends me into almost debilitating panic.

But enough is enough. I know I have issues to work out beyond the basics of exercise and nutrition, but I think that if I can get a stable hold on those two areas the rest will come with time and a far better self image. And I know that a better self image can only start if I respect myself. Right now, my self respect is fairly low - though recent initiative on my part has resulted in some serious brownie pointage - because I know how much and for how long I have let myself down. The past few weeks have tested the waters of my resolve, and so far I've only sort of disappointed (which is a major, major step).

I've been tracking all of my food and exercise with MyFitnessPal.com, which is a really excellent (and totally free) website with a thriving community. In fact, I think I'm just going to cancel my weight watchers account because I haven't been using it. Not sure about that, might stick with both for the time being so I have an extra resource. I have been trying to stick to a 1,500 calorie diet and limit my sugar intake. I actually had no idea how much sugar I was consuming every day until I began tracking with MFP - the amount was sickening, really. Though I am on average a fairly healthy eater, I still have major issues with portion control and a terribly annoying sweet tooth, so it's an every day learning experience.

Exercise is and always has been my biggest problem. I'm sedentary by nature, and as anyone who tends toward the couch/computer chair knows, it is HARD to get motivated. I've had several "Walk Away the Pounds" DVDs for a year now and barely used them. It's silly when I have all the time I need, but I always end up finding 1,000 other things I need/want to be doing. And that is where the Y comes in. I checked out a zumba class 3 weeks ago and fell in love immediately, so I've been going about 2x a week. I am also hoping to start a group lifting class and possibly yoga soon, in addition to working out on my own in the women's only fitness room they've got. I don't want to overdo anything, but I need to establish actual movement in my life, especially now that I don't even have the mile or two of walking per day that I had in college to lean on.

I've got some great people behind me in this, but I need more than that: I need accountability. Last week, my best friend Allison sent me a link to an article about 8 Amazing Blogger Weight Loss Transformations, and as I read through all of their stories I realized that I already have a blog and I'm really not doing anything constructive with it besides rambling occasionally about music I like (which I still plan on doing, don't fret). Ben, the only male blogger highlighted in the article, gives the advice that "No matter what life change you need to make, do it publicly." 

This resonates with me because I have always kept my struggles with weight loss secret and hidden, even from the people I am closest to. It's all about shame - shame that I've carried for too long, shame that I've let prevent me from doing anything about the reasons I feel shame in the first place. So, no more. I'm saying this to everyone as much as I am saying it to myself. I'll probably be making a lot more posts from now on, at least a couple of times a week relating to my progress. And I'm also going to hold myself accountable by posting monthly progress pictures... once I locate my camera's USB cord, the first of those will get posted. 

So, yeah. This post is the first of many that will be part of my journey to a stronger, healthier and happier me. I'll finish it out with my favourite song from zumba class, which requires pretty much no explanation. Until later!

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Bloodbuzz, Ohio taunts my inner fear demon.

I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of beesI never married, but Ohio don't remember me
I still owe money to the money to the money I owe
I never thought about love when I thought about home
The floors are falling out from everybody I know
           ─ The National

Continuing my obsession with The National, I'm going to start this by casually dropping off the latest song that's wormed its way into my ear and refused to budge.



Bit of a strange video, but it's always the lyrics that draw me into pretty much every song I fall in love with. With the holidays and everything going on over the past month, I've found myself thinking about Ohio quite a lot. On the best of days, my feelings about Ohio range from a vague affection to a mocking dislike, on the worst.... well, let's just say the word choices are rarely what anyone could call "nice".

I left Ohio for good in August 2006, and it was one of the happiest days of my life. Sure, I've returned a number of times for visits over the past few years, some extended and some frighteningly brief. But I go with the intention of leaving. I have a habit, still, of calling Ohio home because I'm still in college mode half the time, but it really isn't and (most importantly) I don't want it to be. Regardless, people that I love live there and that binds me to it. I can sometimes almost physically feel the connections tethering me to the land - as if a few strong yanks might be all it takes to pull me back, willingness be damned.

And that is certainly a fear I entertain from time to time. Having to return to the place where I unloaded all of the bitterness, sadness, frustrations and fears of my youth so I could move on and be happy in another place... how could I even begin to deal with that? And it's all purely selfish, but I think in this case selfishness is necessary. Selfishness is what got me out of there in the first place, and that's something I could not and would not ever apologize for. I think, perhaps, what I fear most is all those people who continually spout the adage that everyone always comes back will be right.

Even if it's a highly implausible notion, fears aren't usually logical or rational, and that's certainly one of my deepest - right there next to becoming my mother (and who isn't afraid of THAT?).

Oh god. I completely had a different intention for this post than to whine about how much I despise my home state. And, of course, any of those plans have been totally wiped from my memory. Maybe it's all the snow... C'est la vie! This is likely not getting a facebook repost...

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Obligitory New Year's post: Check

People act like New Year's is such a big deal. They make grand promises to themselves that they don't really have the intention of keeping, they sing songs and kiss strangers, truly loving their neighbors for a few brief moments. But it's just a big sham. We count down the best of the past year: best movies, best songs, best celebrity catfights -- yes, to remember them, but also in preparation of forgetting. Because that's what New Year's is really all about for most people, forgetting. Forget the terrible things that happened, forget our shortcomings, forget our mistakes and hope that a new year will make everything instantly better. If 2010 is over, then everything that happened in 2010 is finished and can no longer come back to bite us in the ass.

Except, if we're prepared to instantly forget and dispose of everything that happened over the course of the year on one night, then what's the point of anything we do (or say we'll do) during the next? All of 2011 will be nothing more than a countdown to December 31, when we can throw confetti and praise our chosen deity that it's finally done with. It's a perplexing cycle, but when you think about the human condition it makes sense. We like to think that things can be changed at the blink of an eye, without any real effort on our own part. It's why people flock like mad to new diets and religions and trends. Anything could be the one thing that fills in all the gaps and makes you whole.

But people, I think, aren't meant to be whole. We all have issues and things we need to work on, and true change takes time and work. Perfect people are fucking boring, and even most of the people you assume to be "perfect" have their own holes (often gaping ones). So don't make resolutions. Don't make silly promises you won't keep - instead, think about how you could work to improve your life and be who and what you want to be, and use the next few days, weeks and months of "nothingness" to actually do something about it.

The problem with the holiday season is how much emphasis is put on this one week out of the entire year. Christmas can be great, don't get me wrong - I love the trees, the lights and (some) of the music. I love seeing people I might not get to other times of the year and exchanging thoughtful gifts and watching movies like Die Hard and The Santa Clause. But it's one week out of the entire year, and as soon as it's over things just snap into this bleakness unparalleled by any other time of year. January is seriously the most awful month out of the entire year, and it doesn't really deserve to be. So I say, this year, try and appreciate January a little bit. Unlike the bustle and hustle of December, January is a time when winter activities can truly be enjoyed. Go sledding, drink some delicious hot chocolate with baby marshmallows and bask in the mellow warmth of the sun if you've got it (while remembering all of us poor souls living in the frozen tundras that won't see that giant ball of fire until April at the earliest).

And appreciate the whole year, as it happens. Don't let everything that happens to you in 2011 just be another thing to try and forget about this time next year. Live in the moment and appreciate that you get to experience the weird miracle that is life for just another day or two. And don't put too much pressure on yourself to miracle grow into someone else -- unless you're an asshole, you're probably pretty cool already.

Switching gears from holiday ranting a bit, I'd like to toss up my own contribution to the plethora of countdowns that plague every blog and website this time of year. I promised Christmas songs and that didn't happen, so instead you get the 7 songs that rocked my world in 2010. Enjoy!

1. Teeth - Lady Gaga



Lady Gaga as a whole rather revolutionized my musical world this year. She's just fabulous, everything pop music should be and I am SO EXCITED to be seeing her with Allison in April! It's going to be mind blowing, I'm sure. Teeth is probably my favourite song she's done so far, and my most-listened to song on iTunes and my ipod. There's just something really, really powerful about it that puts me in an insanely powerful mood when it's playing. I really, really want to make a music video for True Blood to this song because it feels like they were made for one another.

2. Coming To Terms - Carolina Liar



Another huge musical discovery for me this year was Carolina Liar. Last.fm started mixing them into my Something Corporate radio station and I fell in love and bought their entire album on iTunes (something I don't often do, I'm more of a song cherry picker). They've got new material coming out soon, which is ridiculously exciting, and I hope they end up coming nearby on tour because I will so be there. This song is my favourite they've done (#2 on my iTunes, natch) and exemplifies everything that's wonderful about their music. Lead volcalist Chad Wolf has a unique, penetrating voice, and I'm obsessed with their lyrical styling and drummer.

3. King of Wishful Thinking - New Found Glory with Patrick Stump



I have been a gigantic fan of New Found Glory since I was 13 years old and the boy I was head over heels in love with tossed me a mix CD that featured them quite prominently. Alas, our love was never meant to be - he knocked a girl up and moved down south to help her take care of the kid - but my love for NFG has stayed true. I realized a few months ago that I didn't quite own every single album they'd ever made, so I logged into my iTunes account and rectified that and found this cover on their From the Screen to Your Stereo II album. The original song is... well... painfully dull. Not bad (though the video is certifiably awful and perplexing), but just not a song you'd remember past 1990 when it was a hit. NFG's cover, however, is fucking awesome. I actually spent a whole week listening to this song at work every hour or so, that's how great it is. And this is a perfect example of why I love covers, because one band/artist can take a song and turn it around into something entirely new - and often 10x better.

4. Dynamite - Taio Cruz



Something really quite phenomenal has happened the past couple of years in hip hop, and I think this is a song that exemplifies it pretty well. I love this song. If I'm in a bad mood, this song will instantly lift me out and I will also on occasion begin to dance (usually a Very Bad Thing). Terrell also loves it, and we've spent many car rides blasting this and acting like giddy idiots because it makes us THAT happy. So much of the music on the pop stations this year focused on happiness, living in the moment, people just being wonderful and good how they were. And I loved that, I think it's just what everyone needed (especially me).

5. Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin



I talk about Jack's Mannequin way too fucking much on this blog, but I'm not sorry because they are amazing. This song had to be on this list because I listened to it nonstop for almost five months while I put together my senior video project in my head. This was my mantra, I heard those opening piano notes in my sleep and while I walked to and from class. Dark Blue speaks to all of the craziness of 2010 - the intensity of finishing college, finding a job and transferring myself to an entire new sort of life.

6. Graduate - Third Eye Blind



I couldn't not include this one, because like #5 this song was on repeat for almost half the year. And it's weird, because now I can't really bring myself to listen to it. I always hit skip on my iPod, and I think that maybe I built graduation up so much in my head that anything relating to it is just finished in my mind. College is over, I graduated and now all that's left ahead of me is the wide expanse of Life. Terrifying.

7. Young Forever - Jay-Z and Mr. Hudson



Let me come right out and say it: Jay-Z is incredible. An incredible artist, an insanely talented lyricist and a really cool guy. I'm still getting into a lot of his other music, but this song zapped me through the heart and that's why I had to put it on this list. Just do yourself a favor, even if you skipped every other video on this list, watch this one and listen to the lyrics. You'll be thankful you did.

May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows.

Happy New Year, y'all :)   I'm gonna go get my drink on!

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Some thoughts:

• If you have a cat and would like to freak him or her out a lot, put on a workout DVD (and, y'know... work out). It helps if every occupant in the home participates at once, that way the feline becomes further agitated and confused. Just don't kick it - they don't like that.

• Snow is great. Snow is fun. Continuous snow for four+ days is.... pretty fucking awesome (albeit mildly annoying).
  

Monday morning

Tuesday morning

Wednesday morning (remember the bike from Monday?)

 

• Holidays spent away from my family are in no way as crazy or fun, but they are ridiculously less stressful. I spent four glorious days in Massachusetts with Terrell and his family for Thanksgiving, and it was heavenly. Delicious food (oh god, stuffing muffins... what has been tasted cannot be forgotten!), ridiculous SciFy movies involving evil bees, and a little too much money spent on Friday shopping (especially since none of it could be excused as necessary gift shopping). 

Respect the pumpkin turkey.

•  I think it's time for a new hair colour. Not that I don't like being.. whatever this is. But I think winter time deserves something else. I tried red last year but didn't really keep up with it long enough. Idk...

Roughly a year ago, I tried to become a leprechaun.

I feel like other people liked it more than I did. But blonde feels too summery, and without the sun to help keep the colour going I fear it'll just go flat really fast. Allison and Rachel will be visiting in the next few weeks, so if I'm gonna do it I'll probably wait until then so I can rope one of them into helping :D

• Christmas music has an incredibly short shelf life. I'm already sick of everything I have and it's only been about a week. -sigh- Still, there's one Christmas song I'll never tire of:

I'm probably going to make a post soon with my top ten (or five or... seven, whatever) favourite Christmas/winter holiday songs. It's a nice thing to do, and I like doing nice things. But until then, enjoy the stunning beauty that is Vienna Teng.

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On the eve of my 23rd year, I blogged. And it was a good blog. Amen!

Sometimes I feel like I live in a significantly more boring version of The Truman Show. I'm sure everyone gets the kind of strange notion that things are being orchestrated by a man behind the curtain. The man behind my curtain apparently has it out for me. Case in point:

Two weeks(ish) ago, I booked a flight (for tomorrow) to Ohio to see my family and watch my younger brother in his first high school musical. Flying was actually a bit cheaper and so much quicker and simpler than taking a bus or train, so it makes the most sense. However, my nerves about the whole ordeal have only increased substantially as the time draws nearer. I am a classic neurotic when it comes to anything beyond my control, especially travel: buses, planes, trains, cars - I imagine the worst possible fiery death at the hands (gears?) of each before and during the time of transport.

It only makes sense, then, that the headlines I've been seeing plastered prominently all over my iGoogle news apps read like my worst nightmares:

Bombs!

Explosions!

Fatal crashes!

Oh, look. More exploding engines!

And then... whatever this is.


I know the statistics are with me, not against me. But I can't help but feel slightly panicked that the one time things go wrong, it'll be when I'm around. Fortunately, this will be my first time flying over the age of 21 and drinks may be able to *ahem* smooth the edges of some of my fears.

Hopefully by this time tomorrow, I will be close to touching down in Columbus, Ohio and ready to start a fun-filled midwestern weekend. (Can I just say HELL YES for not having to fly back? Thankfully, my mom still lives in Buffalo and we'll be driving back on Sunday together.)

I should probably acknowledge that it is currently my birthday (for another hour and a half at least). And what a lovely day it has been :) I was afraid that my first birthday as a Real Adult would be boring and uneventful. It only makes sense that as you get older and the milestones become fewer and far between, birthdays being to blend together and lose their touch. Turning 23 really isn't anything huge as far as lifetime achievements go.

But it was actually very nice. I redeemed my free drink at Starbucks a mere 5 hours after I dropped $8 for breakfast there (I know, I know - I have a problem). My coworkers gave me a fantastic card. My mommy and my grandparents called. And then after work, I went out to the sweetest little dessert and wine bar for dinner, drinks and (obviously) dessert with some of my coworkers and a few other friends. It was magical and very... adult. And I liked it.



I could make an attempt right now to say something philosophical about turning older or having a birthday, but as I barely managed to spell that word properly because of how utterly exhausted I am... this is pretty much gonna be it.

Happy birthday to me, I live in a tree, I look like a reptile and I smell like the sea. Bravo!

*snore*

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