I've been engaged for over a month now, but didn't have a ring until this week - which has been a tad difficult to explain to some people. In all of my girlhood fantasies about getting married (you know you had them, too) I never put much thought--if any--on the ring. Perhaps it's because I'm not a big fan of rings to begin with, or maybe because in almost every TV show/movie with engaged/married characters the ring is usually a diamond solitaire or some other gigantic rock. And hey, plenty of women are just fine with that, and I really can't lambaste the choices of others too much when I rock my own set of traditions. Nothing is wrong with going for classic or traditional, but I think that too many women (and their men) get duped by the wedding industry and current societal norms into choosing a diamond when they could be happier with something else.
Diamonds are the classic, traditional choice and from my limited time spent on wedding planning message boards of late, most women damn near demand them -- but why exactly is that? Evolutionary psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa has an interesting take on it:
Diamonds make excellent courtship gifts from this perspective because they are simultaneously very expensive and lack intrinsic value. No man (or woman) can be inherently interested in diamonds; you cannot drive them, you cannot live in them, you cannot do anything with them. Any man who would buy diamonds for a woman must be interested in making an investment in her. Flowers, another favored gift for women, are also relatively expensive and lack intrinsic value. Of course, diamonds and flowers are beautiful, but they are beautiful precisely because they are expensive and lack intrinsic value, which is why it is mostly women who think flowers and diamonds are beautiful. Their beauty lies in their inherent uselessness; this is why Volvos and potatoes are not beautiful. (source)
Whether or not this is entirely true (I'm guessing a bit heaping YES is in order), my relationship has never been about
things. We haven't done a whole lot of gift exchanges and when we do, it's not a big emphasis. I put more into the cards I get or make Terrell every year than gifts, and he's just as low-key when picking things out for me. I don't need him to buy me things to show me he'd be a good provider because I already know this through his actions (and besides, I can provide very well for myself, thank you very much). I also object ethically to diamonds because they are a product of misery - hello, Blood Diamond?
For me, the idea of having a diamond ring goes beyond my personal and ethical objections. It just isn't
me. Before I got engaged, I wanted a claddagh ring. I won't lie that the main inspiration for this comes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I also love the symbolism behind claddagh rings and thought that would be a really interesting and fun way to express what the ring meant. But after actually becoming engaged, I realized that the claddagh ring has no real significance for me when it comes to heritage. Terrell's last name is Irish, but he's not and neither am I, really (I may have a tiny bit of Irish in my DNA but not enough to matter - kinda like those people who claim they're 1/84th Native American and think it actually
means something).
So I began to look for something to suit my tastes and preferences, and that's when I stumbled upon the beauty that is pearl rings. I
love pearls and find they suit my skintone far better than most gemstones, so why not go for one as an engagement ring? If I'm gonna wear the thing for a few years/my entire life, it might as well be something that I really want to have on me. We started looking quite literally the day after we got engaged because we were at the mall and I'd been waiting for that moment when I could realistically look at the pretties for YEARS and gosh darnit, he was gonna let me. *ahem*
The diamonds that the over-zealous salesman at Kay's shoved onto my finger summed up my previous notions that it just wasn't my style. They were so pushy that we declined to return once we had decided to look for pearls, and instead we made visits to a whole slew of other stores. At first, it was about finding a ring that could serve as a placeholder for a "better" ring in the future, but I realized that was silly. I'd rather have the ring we choose not be The Ring because it's special and meaningful. And I really think better money could be spent on a vacation or a really awesome pasta maker in the future than yet
another piece of symbolic jewelry.
So we shopped around and eventually settled on this little beauty from Zales:
The pearl is small but beautiful and the flanking stones are lab-created sapphires. This suited my ethical and personal tastes and the price was outstandingly cheap because the ring is a part of their birthstone collection vs. engagement rings. So, that was it and we were all ready to plunk the money down online and order it (because the one in the store was at least $40 more... damn commissions).
And then... I found
it. I work in downtown Syracuse close to a nice little shopping and restaurant district called Armory Square (named so because of the super awesome armory-turned-science museum that sits in the heart of it all). Most of my lunch hours find me wandering down there for a cup of coffee or just a nice place to walk around and stretch my legs. Tucked into a space down a bricked alleyway between two buildings is a little shop I like to visit cleverly named
Way Off The Beaten Path. For some reason, it didn't occur to me that I might find something there, but I remembered suddenly a couple of weeks ago and hastened myself there as soon as my break began. After browsing through one counter and trying on a few choices, I was led by the saleswoman to the counter at the shop's entrance and she introduced me to what I will now and forever affectionately call my Moon Ring:
The center stone is a pearl and the accent is a diamond. The silver band has been hand-etched and it's all cool and texturey. It's a lot bigger than anything I was originally looking for, but I love how it looks and would never trade. After talking it over for a week or so, Terrell met me downtown on Monday and we bought the ring. I gave it to him after the purchase was complete and told him he could give it back to me when and how he chose. We had a very wonderful, heartfelt moment together on Wednesday and that's when he slipped it onto my finger. Low-key, yes - but a moment to remember for the rest of my life.
Pearls are soft and very susceptible to damage, so I'm going to have to be really careful with this baby but so far things have gone well. If you're thinking of a pearl engagement/wedding ring yourself, go for it! But remember that they aren't meant for true day-to-day wear so you have to be prepared to either replace the pearl eventually or do what I plan on and retire the E-ring after the wedding.
We've decided that we would like to get custom wedding bands made that compliment one another to exchange during the ceremony. Like I said at the beginning of this post, I'm not big on rings so wearing two at once really isn't my cup of tea. I will gladly wear just the one band continuously on my left hand and switch to wearing my moon ring on the right when it suits me. Until that time comes, I will be blinging around with my awesome ring and remembering what it symbolizes each time I look down. /mushiness
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